Read this: Friendship
My posted comment:
I am currently experiencing all of this. I am the only singleton in my group of friends. Out of the married couples, all but one has children ranging from 11 years to still in the womb. I have no problem what-so-ever in realizing that these children are my friend’s priority. In fact, I would be disgusted if any of my friends put anything in front of the raising and well being of their children. I am extremely excited for all of my friends who are experiencing the joys and trials of child rearing. That being said, I do not need to hear about every little itty bitty cutesy things that their children do. Most of my friends are generally accepting in this fact. Whenever I ask about their children, I expect to get a story or two about what amazing feat or hurdle the child has completed - and I want to hear these stories. However, I have one friend who was upset because I hadn't come over to see her child in a while.
First - I am not friends with your child, I am friends with you and your husband.
Second - Every time I have visited, I have been condescended to in my ability to even hold a child. Hello! I had 4 nieces and nephews and was helping to raise them before the baby bug even hit my friend.
Third - Whenever I have a conversation with this friend, I am often regaled with stories about what her daughter can now do. As I said before, I want to hear this stuff but not when I am in the middle of needing some advice or comfort.
I realize that most of the moms out there will think one of two things. Either I am being overly sensitive or my friend is being completely insensitive. I am here to beg all women out there to be seriously conscious of your friends. Do not take for granted that your single friends are as enraptured by your children as you are. And single people, show interest and excitement for your friends that are parents. The new dynamics of having children change not only the dynamics of your family but also the dynamics of your friendships.
Am I asking too much? Am I being selfish? Am I over analyzing my feelings? Am I seeing things that aren't there? I came across this website while searching for tips on how to act/react better whenever I am surrounded by my friends. I'm not stupid. I know that when we all get together the conversation is going to turn to children. How can it not! Out of the 7 close girlfriends, I have only 2 are not mothers. There are 7 1/2 children between them and if you add in my brother's children that is a grand total of 11 1/2! Is it too much to ask that when I am regaled with stories of little Johnny's 1 million different smiles, that my non-child stories not get pushed to the wayside? Is it too much to ask that my stories about my brother's kids get the same respect as the stories about your children? I may not have given birth to them, but I have helped raise them. Does this make me less of a "mother"? Does the fact that you suffered for nine months of pregnancy (trust me - the rest of us suffered too) make you a better child caregiver than me?
This topic has been bothering me for a while and it really came to a head over the weekend. Several of my friends came over for game night. Sadly not everyone was able to make it. Harmonica, you were sorely missed. Chocolate & Mel, you two need to live closer! After the initial hellos and hugs/kisses were exchanged, I felt a weird tension fall over me. It felt like “Now what?” I felt like I had lost a connection with my friends. Then the conversation turned to children. I watched from the kitchen as they all gathered and began conversing and I realized that I wasn’t the same person. They weren’t the same people.
Have I done this?
Have I become so sensitive to the baby talk that I am pulling away from them?
Do I resent them for making the choices they have made?
Am I jealous that they have something that I want but cannot have?
I’m sure that the answer to those questions, to some degree, is “yes”.
Am I alone in this blame game?
I don’t think so.
So now what?
2 comments:
I don't think you are over-analyzing. You feel what you feel. As I was married so long BK (before kids) I do remember what I felt like being around a group of women when I was the only one who was not a mother. And even before I really wanted kids, that was a strange and isolating experience. There are so many things going on here. As you have noticed, kids are a built-in automatic conversation topic and if you don't live with one, you're shut out to an extent. For another thing, having a child IS a fundamental life event that most people find shakes their world up. It is a BFD. Parenthood is not the only way to experience personal cataclysm; living in a Tibetan monastery for 10 years might do it also. My point is, it makes people change. Or at least reveals who they already were much more clearly.
I also think some of the tension comes from each of us trying to figure out if our lives are ok and we’re doing the right thing. I see this a lot in the wars between the working moms and the SAHMs, or the formula feeders vs breastfeeders. Whatever life choices you make, you always wonder if maybe another road would have been better. And when someone is in your face who made very different choices, some folks find this threatening because they (maybe subconsciously) see it as a criticism of themselves.
I probably have little evidence for this, but my personal theory is that the particular person you are having issues with right now may have some baggage of her own: maybe about being a working mom, maybe about how her life has changed, maybe about whether she needs a pedicure, who the heck knows? but for some reason she is feeling some kind of internal conflict and it is coming out in ways that spill over onto you.
You do not need to feel obligated to listen to every detail or milestone. You need not feel guilty about not making weekly visits (or any visits) to view the miracle baby. I would hope that you and she can maintain a friendship, but not at the expense of you having to fake interest in every little cute-kid story. This will sound obvious, but one of the things you excel at is being yourself. I have always admired your essential and aggressive you-ness. And if you have to try to alter your personality to please someone else, that person does not deserve to be in your inner circle.
OTOH, she went through a lot to have this baby and it would be a generous (and very you-like) thing to cut her as much slack as you can until she can get her head back on straight. I bet the time will come soon when she will realize she is so frickin tired of talking about nothing but her kid and is in such desperate need of adult conversation, she may call you out of the blue and apologize.
Sorry I could not make it to game night. But maybe it is just as well, bc if I saw this chick being mean to you I woulda had to cut her.
So I guess this means the next game night, I'm going to have to pat you down? LOL
Seriously, thank you. Being able to get this off my chest helped but hearing someone else’s, especially a "mom" opinion, is tremendous.
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